Romiet and Julio
by cretivename000
Summary: That one modern Romeo and Juliet crack parody that no one asked for. Ever. SasuNaru high school au.


**That one modern Romeo and Juliet crack parody that no one asked for. Ever. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, Shakespeare is all-knowing.**

**Thanks for reading and please review :)**

* * *

"Julio, I am so infatuated with thee and thou young, handsome face that I would kill you for myself!"

"Oh me oh my! Romiet, my sweet darling! I would gladly take thy hand in marriage, even knowing this, for I would destroy you before you even got a chance!"

Thus, Kiba and Suigetsu launched themselves at each other, fists flying and legs kicking.

A shout of "YOSH! The Flames of Youth!" came loudly from the sidelines. The green and black blur that was Rock Lee of the Shiny Bowl Cut came dashing out from the small crowd of the gathered literature class. However, before the loyal Konoha Shinobi could launch himself into the fray, his collar was caught in a firm grasp.

Lee gasped in shock, jerking his head back to look straight into the narrowed eyes of Neji Hyuuga.

The pale boy silently shook his head. Without letting go of Lee's collar, he tugged the more colorful teen back into the crowd of silent onlookers, ignoring the struggling limbs and loud protests of "YOUTH MUST NOT BE WASTED!"

Back on the makeshift stage, Suigetsu's dress had been tied in messy knots around Kiba's torso, while the brunette himself had torn off and completely decimated the paler boy's shriveling flower necklace.

Somewhere in the tussle, Kiba had used his slightly larger size to his advantage and managed to trap Suigetsu underneath him. The pinned boy's knee, however, was positioned dangerously close to Kiba's groin, though he was too distracted to have noticed.

They sat in a stalemate, neither daring to move.

"Jugo, you jerk! Lend me a hand!" Suigetsu suddenly shouted.

The orange-haired giant loomed in the back of the small crowd, unmoving while the fight played out.

"You got yourself into this mess, 'Getsu," he said, tone flat. "I'm not about to jeopardize my grade for a brawl right now."

"What grade? The teacher isn't even _here_!"

Jugo just shrugged, brushing off Suigetsu's following insults.

On top of the paler boy, Kiba grinned wolfishly. "Then I guess this one goes to us, _Akatsuki_," he said, spitting the last word out like it was venom.

Suigetsu sighed, glaring at his gathered classmates, daring anyone to approach but also hoping one of his allies would come to his aid.

A few moments passed, and no one did.

"Fine, fine, I give—"

The loud _slam_ of a door hitting the wall silenced him. Everyone turned to look at the shadowy figure standing in the doorway, and their thoughts all converged on a single subject.

The one student missing from their class today.

The figure, average height but posture hinting at a higher status than anyone else in the room, moved forward, and the light behind him began to spread to the features on his face. Dark and sharp, aristocratic, handsome—

"Stop being such a drama queen, Foolish Little Brother."

With those words, Sasuke was shoved forward and into the classroom. The youngest Uchiha stumbled to catch himself, barely avoiding falling, and as a result, death by embarrassment.

_Itaaachi_, he wanted to whine, but he kept it to himself.

That would be very uncool.

Itachi poked his head into the dark classroom, taking in the disarray: Kiba in top of Suigetsu, their clothes in questionable states, the shredded scripts of Romiet and Julio strewn about the floor, the classroom's bated silence.

Then, out of nowhere, nearly half the class's population stepped out of the crowd and faced Itachi. As a cohesive unit, they straightened and bowed low for a full count of three.

Sasuke stood by, uncomfortable but not surprised, and Itachi let out a quiet sigh, hidden behind a curt mask. He took one step into the classroom and nodded in acknowledgement to those who had just risen from the bow.

Then, ignoring the glares of most of the remaining population of students in the classroom, he flicked on the lights, exiting with a casual, "it was just a dentist appointment, Little Brother. Don't start acting so high and mighty over it."

Sasuke flushed, but kept silent. He waited for a few moments, feeling the eyes of his classmates trained on him. When he was sure Itachi had left, he turned his disappointed eyes at Kiba and Suigetsu.

"What," he demanded, "happened here?"

"A victory for Konoha," Kiba answered, at the same time as Suigetsu said, "Nothing of importance."

The two boys glared at each other, but looked up again when Sasuke approached them, slight intimidation chasing away the hostility in their eyes.

"I don't have time for games," he said, seething. "You", he glared at Suigetsu, intimidation increased by him standing over the sitting boy, "should know better than to start something like this."

"I didn't start it, it was—"

"I don't care. You should know better."

Kiba, still riding his high tide of victory, rolled his eyes, smirking. "Che. Cowards."

There was a collective intake of air from the crowd. Immediately, the classroom's already hostile atmosphere dropped to below freezing. The room was dead silent as Sasuke dropped onto one knee in front of Kiba.

"Would you like to say that again?" he asked, voice quiet, and Kiba's spine rattled.

"Y-you're a coward?" he repeated, but his voice had lost it's mocking edge and his face had gone completely pale. He turned his head away from Sasuke's notorious light-bending eyes.

_The rumors were right,_ he thought. _They really do turn red when he gets mad._

Kiba was going to die, he knew it was serious the moment Sasuke grabbed the top of his head and forced Kiba to look at him. It would be slow and painful and nobody was going to do anything about it and _why did he challenge Sasuke?_

His eyes were a deep, crimson red with swirling black dots and they were spinning and they were the last thing Kiba was going to see on this earth.

_Maybe if I scream loud enough, _he thought, frozen as Sasuke's hands began to move towards his throat—

_WHAM!_

The classroom door slammed open and the figure in the doorway froze, taking in the sight of Sasuke about to literally murder Kiba and an entire crowd of onlookers who seemed to be doing nothing about it (except the shiny green kid who was being held back by the angry-looking pale one and seemed on the verge of a teary, emotional outburst).

"What the hell," the person said, backpack dropping to the floor, and Sasuke's near-chokehold on Kiba dropped.

While Kiba fell to the floor, foaming at the mouth (more from fear than anything), Neji finally released Lee, who rushed over to his aid and began to recite some nonsensical soliloquy, sobbing loudly.

Meanwhile, Sasuke stood calmly, dusting off his spotless dress pants. He approached the new boy—a blond teenager—with an air of regal indifference, adjusting his perfectly straight tie. He stopped right in front of the boy, who, although slightly disturbed at the intrusion of his personal space, did not back down.

"What do you want?" the blonde questioned, distrust in his cool gaze.

"What do I want?" Sasuke repeated, still edging closer. "I am a man of taste. I don't have many likes, but I have many dislikes. I have ambitions, but as of now, they are none of your concern."

Sasuke's face was inches away from the new boy's, dark eyes intensely studying bright blue ones.

"And because of this," he continued, "it's rare that I see something that immediately wins my favor. The only thing this has ever occurred with was from when I was very young," he paused dramatically, "and now."

At this, the invasion was too much for the other teenager, and he backed up a step. "I asked for what you wanted, not your whole life story," he snapped.

"Fine then," Sasuke said, voice dropping. "I want _you_."

The new boy flinched, millions of thoughts running through his head, alarms blaring.

"I've never seen anyone as beautiful as you," the dark-eyed boy said in complete seriousness. "Your eyes are as bright as the cloudless sky, your skin as warm as a summer's day. Your hair is like spun gold, and your entire presence _radiates_."

He pushed closer, and Naruto decided he had enough.

"Get," he grit out forcefully, shoving Sasuke's shoulder, "back, you asshole!"

Sasuke stumbled backward, utter disbelief in his face.

"Ever heard of personal space? Obviously not!" Naruto raged, giving the dark-haired teenager no time to respond. "Is this school fucking insane? It's like the moment I entered the _fucking_ building, morality just chucks itself out the window and into that giant-ass cat litter box next to the football field! It took me a whole hour to get here 'cause I was breaking up fights in _every single_ classroom I passed!"

He stormed farther into the classroom and up to the shying crowd of students.

"You can't just sit back and watch as that kid," he jabbed violently in Kiba's direction, "just _dies_! You guys are classmates, for fuck's sake! Don't let a single asshole control your lives like that! And _where is your teacher_? Where is the _sense_ in this pathetic excuse of a—"

Suddenly, the boy fell silent and stood completely still. He cocked his head to the side, as if listening to someone. Then, he closed his eyes and took a long, deep breath.

When he opened them, he stared straight into the eyes of the terrified class and smiled. Bright, happy, and in the complete opposite mood of his angry monologue just moments before.

"Hi," he said, eyes brightening as the majority of the room recoiled. "I'm your new classmate. The name's Naruto Uzumaki, nice to meet you."

* * *

As Naruto turned, surveying the emotional damage he had wreaked upon the room, his classmates erupted into sound, most of which consisted of pushing desks and scrambling feet, all eager to get as far away from him as possible.

All except one.

"Sasuke, get over here," Suigetsu hissed, finally up from his earlier position on the floor.

"I-I can't," Sasuke admitted. Somehow, he had collapsed onto the floor and was stuck sitting on his knees.

"Why? How? You're gonna die!"

The heads around Suigetsu nodded in agreement as Sasuke tried to push himself off the ground once more. He stood shakily for a second, then almost immediately fell to the floor again.

He hissed, then looked up at Naruto standing alone, with the rest of the class separated into two, lingering and unsure on opposite sides of the classroom.

Naruto raised a golden eyebrow at him, and Sasuke smirked weakly. "That was so hot, I think my knees might have gone weak."

The classroom fell silent.

"What?" came the small voice of a pink-haired girl.

Sasuke laughed, staring intently at Naruto. "The way you came up with all of that, all on the fly. You're incredible."

Naruto kept his face impassively blank, unsure of how to react.

His lack of response didn't deter Sasuke, though.

"At first, I was enraptured by your looks and beauty, but now, I realize there is so much more beyond your face that is worth worshipping. You have the countenance of an angel and the quick temper of the devil. Your morals are the purest white, and yet the fear you strike in others is as black as pitch. If your face alone is beautiful, then there are no words to describe you, as an entire being."

He swung his leg so that his weight was distributed between one foot and a knee.

"Please, Naruto. Meet me at 10 in the morning of the coming Saturday in Central Fire Park, and I will treat you to an afternoon you will never forget or regret."

No one spoke. Under any other circumstance, the image of Sasuke kneeling on the floor in front of another person would have been laughable. However, here, no one laughed. It was clear that Sasuke's out of character speeches were completely serious, and he meant every last word he said.

Then, slow clapping sounded from the doorway. Everyone turned sharply, and were surprised to see none other than the principal of the school, Tsunade Senju, standing there, a broad smile on her face.

"Bravo," she said, still applauding. "I have no idea what they're teaching you here anymore, but your acting is on par with a professional's. Damn, I should have recorded that."

Sasuke, who seemed to have recovered as soon as he saw Tsunade in the door, stood quickly. "With all due respect ma'am, but you're very wrong. The affection I feel for Naruto Uzumaki is real and true. It's unlike anything I've ever felt for another, and I am sure this is something I will never be able to let go of."

Tsunade didn't even look fazed. She only smirked devilishly. "Is that so?" Her mind began to whirl, churning out all kinds of things she could do to make the couple work out (because, she had to admit, they were extremely cute). "Very interesting," she mused.

"Well, I'm sorry to disappoint," Naruto spoke up suddenly, "but no. I literally just met you and the only thing I know about you is that you're weird."

Sasuke drooped visibly, but didn't protest. Instead, he backed up, passing Tsunade and exiting the classroom. "I respect your decision for now," he said, "but don't expect to never see me again. I exit."

With that and a dramatic sweep of his black jacket, the dark-haired male turned, grabbed his backpack, and disappeared down the empty hallway.

Not even a second passed before Tsunade burst out in peals of uproarious laughter.

"I exit!" she managed breathlessly. "I didn't know—Uchihas—I exit!"

She was on the verge of collapsing when Naruto decided to speak up.

"Baa-chan! What in the world is up with your school?" he protested, but his words were drowned out by hysteria and ignored. Frowning, he balled up one of the many Shakespeare scripts strewn across the classroom floor and hurled it at Tsunade.

It bounced harmlessly off her shaking body.

"Sorry, sorry," Tsunade wheezed, laughter dying down slowly. "You freshmen are just so dramatic."

"I just got here! Today!"

"Well, welcome to Hokage then, you brat. This is your future now."

Confused looks were thrown at the pair, but Tsunade and Naruto paid them no mind.

"Where are the teachers here? And why is everyone fighting?" Naruto asked.

"Oh, right, I nearly forgot," Tsunade said. She turned to address the class. "Your Literature teacher quit just now. Said she couldn't take it anymore."

There was a choir of groans from the class.

"Again?"

"Come onnnn."

"She was an easy grader, too."

"Hey, at least this one lasted a whole six months," Tsunade reminded them. "The last one quit after just two. I never liked him, anyway."

Naruto gave her a quizzical glance. "Baa-chan, what kind of a school are you running here?"

"Oh, this will answer your question about the fighting," Tsunade said, avoiding Naruto's newest inquiry. "Somehow, our school's students were split into two groups many years ago. I myself don't know the details of what's going on, and I really don't want to know them."

"Tsunade—"

"It's alright. Hopefully you haven't done anything to scare off your new classmates here. Why don't you ask one of them?"

Naruto turned his gaze back to the class, half of which began to tremble, and half of which looked just as confused as he was.

"Never mind that," the principal said suddenly. "Do that on your own time. As for your Literature teacher, I'll be trying to find someone, but for now, you'll be with either substitutes or some of the unfortunate people who owe me favors." She pointedly ignored the student's large grins and quiet cheers. "You are dismissed for today. Go eat lunch or whatever."

Before anyone could raise any questions, Tsunade fled from the classroom.

"Probably back to her sake stash," Naruto muttered bitterly as the class broke out into chatter. Many students grabbed their backpacks and hightailed it out of there. Naruto would have followed, but, being the scary new kid, he'd most certainly get lost.

He reached out and narrowly saved his backpack from getting stampeded by students longing for freedom.

"Hey, Naruto, right?"

Naruto turned and was met with a sheepish-looking brown haired kid with red fang-like patterns running along each cheek.

"I'm Kiba, nice to meet you," Kiba said, sticking out his hand.

"You were the one in the fight," Naruto said blandly, staring at the proffered limb in distaste.

"Uh, yeah, I guess. Is that bad?" Kiba asked, sounding unsure, and he began to retract his arm.

Naruto just shrugged his shoulders, giving Kiba a disappointed sigh. Then his attitude did a complete turn and he took Kiba's hand in a firm grip.

"Naruto, but you already know that," he said cheerfully. "Nice to meet you!"

Kiba just stared at him, feeling confused and slightly threatened.

Naruto just laughed jauntily.

"Nice shirt," he said, nodding towards Kiba's mess of knotted dress.

The brunette looked down, yelped, and ran for the bathroom.

* * *

**Heh, I'm sorry but I'm also not. **

**Thanks for reading! Please tell me what you think. Should I continue this?**

**Have a good life.**


End file.
